Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
