My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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