Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
