Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
