Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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