3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
