i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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