I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
