I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
