I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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