Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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