its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
