i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
