it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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