I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
