Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
