can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
