Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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