Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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