I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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