I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Drake has all the answers
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
