I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
do nipples grow back?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
