please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
