I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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