Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
