My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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