my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
