I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
