i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
