Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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