Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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