I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
