woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
