you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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