She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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