What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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