Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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