Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
