Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
This is classic penis vs brain.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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