He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
