I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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