Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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