Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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