Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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