My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
