Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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