oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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