You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Boobs speak an international language.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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