You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
