My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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