Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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