I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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