theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
